23

February 18, 2013

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I turned 23 at In-N-Out, and I think that means this next year will be wonderful.

I was with some of my housemates, on our way home from seeing Christian play in a REAL LIVE SHOW, with tickets and lights and a big audience (including Queen Latifah!). This show was one of Cayucas’ (the band C. plays guitar in) last on a West Coast Tour with Ra Ra Riot. It was fun to see him on stage, and even more fun to see strangers dancing to the songs I have had stuck in my head for months now. He also exaggeratedly blew me a kiss after their last song, which killed me in more ways than one.

The day of my birthday happened to be the one day of the week Christian was in town and not playing a show, so we decided to go on an all-afternoon drive. We followed Mullholland Highway through the Santa Monica mountains, and down to Malibu beach. We stopped a lot along the way to take pictures or climb hills, and it was dreamy.

Somewhere in the mountains Christian asked me what I hoped for for my 23rd year, and I told him I hope for another year of living slowly and being present where I am. I am starting to feel the rush of the future in a lot of ways…people asking me things like when Christian & I are going to get married, or what kind of career I want to have. And even though those are sometimes good questions to ask, I don’t feel like I have enough room in me to be a great student and a great housemate and a great girlfriend if I am day-dreaming about what I might be next.

I worry that people might see me as apathetic, or that my five-years-later self will want to come back and bonk current me upside the head, but those worries feel manageable right now. And worth it too, to stay in this place where I feel like I have room to grow braver and wiser and more loving, I hope.

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